Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

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  A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")

  
  


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  In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let's have One more area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This really is tender power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump Tower Damascus Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he need to stop applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium in which friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment

  
  


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  A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Manage set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

  
  

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.